His Greatest Hits
by Mr. MSTJS
Summary: Death is such a curious phenomenon. Depending on the person and the circumstance, it brings out the worst in us. But, strangely, sometimes it can bring us together. These people lost someone dear to them, and their lives begin to cross. Will contain slash
1. Iris

_**New story time, and this time, it's not very happy. Or at least, not yet. I have this playlist I listen to when I'm down that always brings me up. I thought that if characters from one of my favorite things ever were going through a tough time, then maybe they could cheer them up too. Haha. Anyway, enter this saddened AU about the death of a beloved character, and how the people he left behind must deal with it. This first chapter is about our lovable Daisuke set to one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It's a unique spin and something I've never tried before, so give me your honest feedback! Thank you! And as always, I love to be reviewed.**_

_**Disclaimer, Digimon not mine. Iris, copyright to Goo Goo Dolls and anyone else who owns it. Thanks!**_

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_And I'd give up forever to touch you…_

My mind was pretty cloudy. Normally I have good enough reflexes to react before the ball blasts me in the face, but not today. I had too much on my mind. The soccer ball that just struck me square in the cheek now rolled across the field. This is why I hate playing fullback. Not enough action to keep me preoccupied from my thoughts.

"Ah, sorry Daisuke!"

I just smiled half-heartedly and waved my hand at him. Poor Cho. He was just a freshman, so striking a senior like me with the ball would normally be a sin on the soccer field. But I guess I was just in too chill of a mood.

Coach walked up to the sideline, and I didn't have to look at him to tell that he was pissed.

"Motomiya, get your ass over here! Pakura, go in!"

Yeah, that was me. Daisuke Motomiya. I played soccer for my high school and was pretty damn good at it, without sounding too egotistical. Probably one of the stars…or could have been, at least. I just wasn't in the mood for soccer these days. Or much of anything, I guess.

'_Cause I know that you feel me somehow…_

I walked to the side and met eyes with Coach. He looked pissed, as I expected, but worried at the same time. "Motomiya, what's gotten into you? You were our star forward the last two years, and now you're stuck playing back-up fullback. You've completely lost all your spirit, kid. Care to tell me what the hell is up?"

"You know what's _up, _coach," I replied softly.

Coach sighed. He knew what was up. "Kid, that was three months ago. You've got to learn to live with it. The rest of the team has moved on. It's about time you do the same."

It didn't help at all. Coach knew that I was different than the rest of the team. How could I move on past something that's been haunting me almost every waking moment of my life? I can't. Simple as that.

"Look, Motomiya. There have been college scouts watching you since your freshman year. You've already got some good deals, probably a full ride. I'm telling you, don't screw this up your senior year. You need to think about the rest of your life. Now hit the showers, and think about getting over it. Next time you lag behind, you're going to be suspended from the next game." Coach was huffing now, so he turned around and left.

I couldn't blame him. He was right about almost everything he said. I can't get over it though. It's like my entire life was inverted back in July. It's a little better now, but not much. I just can't focus on anything.

_You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be…_

I drove a beat up Taurus. It wasn't much, but it got me by since I had my license. Plus, it was paid off. It was dark blue, which used to be my favorite color, but it doesn't seem like a day can pass without anything reminding me of him.

I walked into my house, which wasn't anything to brag about either. It was moderate, as my parents were middle class. I was always happy with it; big houses were too much work anyway. I walked in, throwing my bag down next to the closet and headed for the living room. I was hoping for a nap on the couch. It seemed like my dreams were the only escape I had from this reality of stress and bad memories, but even they betrayed me sometimes.

"Hey Daisuke, try sharing some of that smile with the rest of the family."

June, my sister. She was older than me by two years, but she still lived at home. Commuting to the community college was much cheaper than any other option. We never used to get along, but as of late we've gotten pretty close. I guess it's because I got more mature.

I returned her sarcastic remark with a shrug and a half-hearted smile. "You gonna be down here a while?"

"Watching my shows. Why?"

I sighed. "Wanted to catch a nap."

"Why don't you nap in your room like a normal human?" she asked, not really keeping her eyes off of the television.

"Eh," I replied. She knew why I didn't like being up there. But I guess she forgot. I can't blame people for getting onto touchy subjects with me, because everything seemed to be touchy these days. To talk to me, in turn, would eventually lead to being a touchy subject, and I couldn't get angry at people for attempting to talk.

_And I don't want to go home right now…_

My room often swayed in my opinion. Most of the time, it provided solace from everyone else. There, I could be free of everything. The pressing questions, the reassurances, and now, most recently, the insistencies on getting over it. However, at other times, it was just like everything else: serving as a constant reminder.

I laid on my bed, staring up at the poster on the ceiling. Ah, Kate Beckinsale. She had been my favorite for a few years now, and ever since her poster replaced Batman my eighth grade year, I had stared at her beautiful face every night before going to sleep. I laughed a little, thinking about the time that we almost got to meet her.

She was filming a movie in the next city over about two years ago, so some of the soccer guys decided to go and see if we could meet her. It was a stretch, but we thought we might be able to at least catch a glimpse. As it turns out, she had an autograph signing at the convention center. Of course we went. What teenage boy would pass up a chance to meet Kate Beckinsale?

We all got our autographs after waiting in line for a bit, and then he asked if we could take a picture with her. She obliged, and when we all got together to pose, he leaned in and planted a big smooch on her face. Security, of course, escorted us out of the area, but I swear I saw her laughing about it.

_And all I can taste is this moment…_

It's the good times that you're supposed to hold onto, they say. I guess I have to agree with that. But they're sort of a double-edged sword. You think of the good times, and then you get happy, until realization sets in and you realize that there will be no more of those times. Not with that person, at least. You _only _have those memories. But that's why you have to cherish them, because they're all you have left.

I turned over in my bed. When my thoughts started kicking into third gear like this, I rarely got to sleep. I could hear the door open the floor below me. Dad was home. He always got home around five, and mom about six. We always had a pretty late dinner because of this, but I was cool with it, because it gave me a chance to sleep.

I was currently lying on my stomach, my arm hanging over the side of my bed. I began to mess around with the soccer ball. I was pressing down on it with my hand, and watching it roll forward and then back to my arm. I accidentally did it too hard and it shot into my dresser. The top of my dresser was covered in trophies, and one picture- our winning team at the end of my sophomore season. The resulting crash was my picture falling from the top of my dresser and onto the ground. Of course it would.

_And all I can breathe is your life…_

I picked it up, looking at it. It was the first time I looked at it since the night of the incident. Our team, all looking extremely happy. Rabi Barura had the huge trophy in his hand, his cheesy smile gleaming at me now. He lost the smile for a bit, but he's got it back now. Unlike the kid in the middle. Yeah, me. Old me. Daisuke Motomiya was standing in the middle of team, signature gigantic smile, dimples showing and all. I had my arm around him. He was a star, after all. _The _star.

Taichi Yagami. It was his senior year, and the end of what he wanted to be the best season of his life. I made damn sure he got his wish. He was the star forward, and I was his second man. Even before I was in high school, this kid was a star. He outplayed the seniors _his _sophomore year, and he pretty much had every scout in the area after him.

'_Cause sooner or later it's over…_

I've played soccer since I was three. It was very popular in Japan, and my parents wanted me to get to know people. Soccer is what made me into the person I am today. Well, the person I _should _be. An extrovert. Always laughing, joking, smiling, and demanding attention. I honestly miss those days. More than I ever imagined I would.

Needless to say, Tai, as he was affectionately called, was my hero in eighth grade. I aspired to be like him as much as I could. To be the best on the team at the age of fifteen would be great. And it wasn't just his soccer prowess. He was an awesome guy. He was extremely popular, had a great personality, and was just loved by everyone. Such a happy person…then he got that full ride. Totally went for it. I missed him a great deal after he graduated, but we tried to keep in touch. I don't understand why it ended the way it did.

I put the picture down, a tear escaping my eye.

_I just don't want to miss you tonight…_

"Daisuke! Daisuke, honey, are you home?"

Mom. She was home early, which wasn't very unusual. She had been pretty worried about me since Taichi died. I guess she noticed the change more than anyone else, but that's not really surprising. I mean, who else? I have two really good friends at school…but I don't know how "good" they really are. They've both told me to move on. Taichi was my best friend. My hero.

My best friend was Ken Ichijouji. He had been playing soccer with me for quite some time, but we weren't actually friends until high school started. He went to a private school up until then, and I never really got along with him. He had a haughty, holier-than-thou attitude, and I've never been about that type of person.

Ken and I started to become friends freshman year, when we had classes together and I saw how out-of-place he was. Most of his friends from private school went on to a private high school, so I was one of the only people he knew. I thought I'd do the nice thing and get him more involved, and the next thing I knew, we were kicking it like best buds. Only I already _had _a best bud.

_And I don't want the world to see me…_

My other friend is much more complicated. Hikari Yagami. Yeah, Tai's sister. She's actually how I met him in the first place. Throughout middle school, I had the biggest crush on her. Like, it was almost unhealthy. But she was never as interested. I would go to her house after school sometimes, do homework, just to be there with her. And that's where I met Tai, and grew to idolize (and later befriend) him. Though Hikari never returned my affections, she was always really cool about me liking her. She stayed friends with me throughout high school, and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything.

I think a lot of the time that the reason she didn't like me is because she already had someone. His name was Takeru Takaishi. She always hung around him and every word he said. He was a very attractive, nice and almost perfect guy. And I hated him for it. Although he's been trying to support me, I just haven't been in the mood. The mood to accept. The mood to hate. I lost my fucking best friend.

'_Cause I don't think that they'd understand…_

"Daisuke!"

Forgot about Mom.

"Hm?"

"Sweetie, are you in there?" A half-hearted attempt at a knock followed, with her opening the door immediately after.

"Mom, I don't think there's really a point of knocking if you're just gonna let yourself in before I answer anyway." I rolled over onto my back to face her, giving her a grin that had as much effort as her knock.

"Daisuke…are you feeling okay?" she asked dumbly, already knowing the answer. But I can't chide her for that- she was being a good mom. Her soft eyes looked down at me, and all I could see in them was pity. She knew what I was going through better than anyone else. She, too, had lost one of her best friends at a young age. The only difference is the circumstance. I'd say mine was worse.

_When everything's made to be broken…_

"Yeah, mom. Fine," I lied. But she knew the statement was hollow.

"Alright, honey. We're making sushi for dinner…are you hungry?" I could tell she was trying her best to make me happy, to let my mind venture somewhere else. But it was a moot point. I love her to death, and her trying so hard means a lot to me. But what I want is to be left alone. For a while.

"Yes, mom. Sushi sounds…delicious." I gave her another fake grin, signifying that I would attempt to not be a total drag at the table. She nodded and told me she'd call me when it was ready, and let herself out. I sighed and turned over. Dreams were my only solace. The only time when I wasn't actively thinking about what I could have done to change the situation was when I was sleeping. And even then, my dreams sometimes betrayed me.

The sandman was casting his spell on me again, and I was drifting out of consciousness. Why couldn't I help you, Taichi? Was life that bad? I just, I want to be there for you. To be your friend.

Tai, I want you to know that I'm here for you, and always will be.

_I just want you to know who I am…_


	2. Untouched

Sorry it took so long, and I appreciate the few fans I have of this story! I get so sad when I'm writing these chapters. Anyway, hopefully you guys can feel emotional too when reading this one. I know I have it listed as Daikeru, but for now, the story is going to have to play out. If you guys are the types that like reading yaoi goodness right off the bat, I apologize, but I believe that waiting always makes the end result that much better =]

Anyways, please review if you like it!

Disc: Untouched belongs to The Veronicas and anyone else who made it. Digimon not mine.

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_Don't be scared…_

The coffee shop in the center of the campus was often busy, but not today. It was a Saturday evening, and it was an extended weekend. Most of the commuters didn't come on the weekends, and a good number of the residential students chose to spend the extra time with their families.

I was sitting by myself in the corner of the shop. I brought a book with me, but it was just sitting on the table collecting dust. I've never been one for literature, and reading for leisure in college is so hard to do when there's so little time. I had my laptop in front of me, a Word document open, but all I could do was stare at the blank, white sheet. There were no words that could flow out of me right now, no matter how hard I tried. I huffed, giving up for now, and closed the computer. I went for a drink of my coffee, but there was nothing left.

"Need a touch-up, Mimi?" the waiter asked, as if he predicted it were empty.

I smiled sweetly at him and nodded, and he refilled my cup. I sniffed the freshly-brewed beans and felt the warmth against my skin. But this wasn't the kind of warmth I needed right now.

_I'll see you through the lonely nights of wanting more..._

"No cream?" he asked.

"No thank you." He nodded and was on his way. I've been drinking my coffee black since July. It's better that way- healthier, and it seems to wake you up more without the sugary saturation. I took a sip when I dubbed that it wouldn't burn my mouth.

I looked down at my computer once more, seeing my reflection on its shiny top. Here I was, Mimi Tachikawa, one of the most popular girls in my high school, sitting by myself on a Saturday evening. I'd like to say that this wasn't a normal occurrence, but since I enrolled here, it has been.

On this particular excursion to the coffee shop, I was taking a bit of advice from my roommate. She told me that if I attempted to put my feelings into words, then it would help me cope with them. So far, she was wrong.

_Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right…_

I couldn't even begin to think of words to write. I mean, just what exactly would I say? Whenever something would come to mind, I would just think too much about it and then drift away to another topic completely. And besides, feelings are called feelings for a reason- I shouldn't have to put them into words.

But, sigh, I need to. I need to talk to somebody about everything that's happened. I haven't spoken about it since the funeral. Everyone I've met in college so far probably thinks I'm some sort of social retard because I can't manage to hold my own in a conversation. But it's not healthy. I've been looking forward to college even before I was in high school, it seems, but I didn't expect everything to happen this way.

I blew on my coffee once more. It was now at that perfect temperature where it doesn't burn your mouth, but it still warms you as it trickles down your throat. I looked up when I heard the bell on the door to the shop ring. Some boys, probably my age. One of them smiled at me, but all I could muster was a half-hearted grin.

_Cause in the end it's only you and me…_

Boys were another side effect from my current mood. In high school, without sounding overly conceited, I was considered "cream of the crop". I never had problems landing dates, and I was never scared of a relationship. That is, until Taichi Yagami appeared in my life.

I sniffled. Probably because I still blush when I think about how that stupid, arrogant guy made me feel when he talked to me. He was a year older, and the star of the soccer team, but that meant nothing to me at the time. I guess I was a bitch in high school. No. I know I was a bitch in high school. And I guess it would be fitting to say that karma was currently kicking my ass for being such a bitch. Well, whoever said "what goes around, comes around" knew what they were talking about.

Anyways, I had just bought this new blouse to impress this senior that I liked, and was going out to the fields because I had left my poms out there. No, I wasn't a cheerleader, I'm not _that _predictable. I was on the dance team. Unfortunately, it was soccer practice. It had rained the day before, so there were still some prominent puddles of mud.

_And no one else is gonna be around to answer all the questions left behind…_

And no sooner than I bent down to pick my poms up, a soccer ball flies out of nowhere and beams me in the shoulder so hard that I fell into the mud. Oh, I was so beyond pissed, and someone was going to get an earful from the princess. But when he came trotting over to me, that stupid grin on his face, I couldn't help but to smile with him.

He reached out his hand to help me up, but I just folded my arms. Yes, he was cute, but he still knocked me into the mud and ruined my new blouse. That's, like, the cardinal rule that you never want to break against a high maintenance girl such as myself. I remember saying a few rude things to him, but he never lost his friendly demeanor. He pretty much grabbed me by the arm and yanked me up.

I can't believe I'm almost smiling at this memory. But I guess that's all I have left of him, now. Memories. So I should hold onto them. In my bag, there's a picture of the two of us. It was taken at my graduation, about five or six months ago. He looks normal in it, like everything was going to carry on as it should. But of course, it didn't.

I stuffed the photo back in the bag. I can't look at that thing anymore. I tell my friends I don't like it because I look disgusting in it. Pathetic, huh? I'm to the point where I'm actually _pretending _to be the high-class bitch I was in high school. But personality changes are what make us human, right? And I thank Taichi for changing me, whether he had any clue he did it or not.

_And you and I are meant to be…_

I went to the soccer games after that day. Something about how he acted…it was just, I don't know, different from all of the other boys. He seemed aloof- like all he cared about was soccer and having fun and making friends. The genuine kind, too, not the kind that will like you when everyone else does.

One day, I guess he noticed that I was at all of his games. He approached me afterwards and asked if I was coming to watch him fall in the mud. I thought it was a stupid joke, but I laughed anyway. He asked me, ironically, if I wanted to get coffee sometime. I made some remark about being sixteen, not thirty, and he laughed it off. Of course I accepted.

The more I talked to him, the more I realized I liked him. Like, I was getting that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone says is love. Unfortunately for me, the asshole already had a girlfriend. They had been together quite a few years, and he told me how much he cared for her. I remember being devastated.

_So even if the world falls down today, you've still got me to hold you up…_

But, looking back, knowing that guys like Taichi could be so passionate about the girls they love gave me hope that I would find someone like him someday. We continued to hang out after that, and actually got to be pretty great friends. I met his girlfriend…she was as sweet as she could be, of course, making me look like the wicked witch of the west when I was compared to her. But I didn't care.

As long as I got to spend time with him, I was happy. There was always that little dark spore of envy that lingered, but I never tried to get him to do anything with me. I didn't want to ruin his beautiful relationship. I suppose he did that on his own. I wonder what she's going through right now. She was an absolute wreck at the funeral. I tried to speak with her, and she tried to respond, but all she could do was hug me and cry hard onto my shoulder. I cried with her.

_And I will never let you down…_

I cried because I never got to hold him. She was the luckiest woman in the world, as far as I was concerned. I never got to be the one to get the beautiful gifts, or the adorable poems, or even the sweet little smiles and kisses that he only gave to her. Oh, at first I was furious. In my crazed mindset, I was the prettier one, therefore I deserved to be the one getting his attention. But, looks didn't matter to Taichi. And Sora was probably as beautiful on the inside as Taichi was. They were perfect for each other.

I wanted…no. I _needed _someone like that for me. I needed someone to hold me, someone with such a beautiful heart. I was so deep into my own lifestyle that everything else around me was nothing but shallow. All of my "friends", everything that I thought was important- none of that mattered. All that seemed to matter to me was happiness, and the only way I felt I could be happy was to be with Taichi.

_I feel so untouched…_

The tears were beginning to stream down my face now. Thank God there's hardly anybody here right now. I push a strand of my hair out of my face. I learned in July that crying ruins make-up, so I would have to give up one or the other. Needless to say, my eyeliner's been collecting dust for a while.

Everything…just happened so fast. I decided that a walk would be best. I packed up my laptop and left a tip for the coffee guy. Lord knows he's tired of seeing me in there every weekend. I love autumn. It was a cool evening, and the sun was almost set. I figured I'd go to the gym before heading to my dorm for the evening. But nothing was helping.

When I got the news that Taichi was gone, I was up here, finishing up some paperwork about tuitions and loans, and getting a feel of the place. Maybe that's why I hate it so much now. When I came back to begin the semester, I cried every night for the first week, just because it reminded me of getting the news. Getting to know that I would never see his sweet smile, or hear one of his dumb jokes again…

_And I want you so much that I just can't resist you…_

There were maybe three other people in the campus gym, which was good. The treadmill I usually ran on was open, and the other people were over on the weights. I put my hair up into a ponytail and began to run.

It was almost symbolic. I was running, sweating, and panting as if I had made it miles from where I was, yet I'm still stuck in this same place. I want to run. I want to go away, and just forget about life for a while. Life's been hard. I know it's been harder to other people, to better people, but I'm just not strong enough to deal with this on my own.

I've never been a strong person. I was blessed with an attractive appearance, and I hid everything behind that to gain popularity. Sure, I'm good at some things, but I was never passionate about anything. I can't create a masterpiece out of paint. I can't live my dream by catching a ball. I can't even discuss my feelings with the very few remaining people who genuinely care about me. I've never been a leader. The only time I ever felt strong in my entire life was when I with him.

_It's not enough to say that I miss you…_

I looked down. I've already ran three miles. It's amazing how you can just tune out your body when your head is elsewhere.

"Mimi?" I turned my head instinctively to see my roommate.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering where you were off to. You don't seem like the type to run on treadmills," she said with a smile, before setting down her gym bag and getting on the one next to me.

It's true- sweat was never really my thing. But I've been killing myself to reinvent who Mimi Tachikawa is. Just so I could live the life I wanted to before I began listening to the status quo rather than my own heart. "It's what I do when I have a lot on my mind. And I just drank like four cups of coffee, so I have some energy to burn."

"Oh that's fun," she said callously. "Care to talk about it?"

"There's nothing really to talk about," I replied curtly. "It's all…in the past. There's nothing you or I can say to change that."

_I feel so untouched right now…_

"Maybe not, but if you talk about your feelings, it could change the way you feel about it," she returned.

She wasn't giving up. Maybe I should say something to her about it. I'm afraid I would break down. I don't want my roommate, who barely knows anything about me, to see me an emotional trainwreck. She'll think I'm crazy as well. "Maybe."

"Is it about a boy?" she guessed, a smile on her face.

"Yeah," I responded. No harm in that, even if she was barking up the wrong tree.

"An ex? Did he dump you? Cheat on you? Spill," she said, turning off her treadmill and wiping her face.

I did the same. I was beginning to get tired..the caffeine was wearing thing. "No to all of the above." There was an inexplicable sadness in the tone of my voice when I said that.

"Oh. A friend, then?"

"Probably the best friend I ever had."

_Need you so much…_

"Had? Did you have a falling out?"

I cringed. If only that were the problem. "He's…he died."

She eased off, putting a hand on my shoulder as my head slumped over. It hurt to say it. To verbally confirm that he was indeed dead. "And he's never coming back." I balled my eyes out. I let loose every ounce of pent-up depression that I had been harboring for the past three months. She sat there, my head on her lap, patting my back and listening. I needed this. I needed this more than anything else right now. Except for Taichi himself…

_Somehow I can't forget you…_

"He-he's…I loved him. He was the only good part of my life…the only light in that stupid fantasy world I made for myself in high school. But he could never love me back. He was already in love…and there was nothing I could do that could change that. And now…he'll never hold me. He'll never tell me I'm the only one for him, and that I'm special…he'll never say that he loves me…never."

It hurt to say it. But it was the best hurting feeling that I have ever felt.

_I've gone crazy from the moment I met you…_


	3. When I'm Gone

**_Chapter 3, finally! I'm so sorry it took so long. This one was pretty rough to write too, but hopefully you guys love it! Like the first two, it's based on one character. This pattern will continue until I have introduced all of the main characters, and then you will see the stories sort of intertwine. Review! Haha, and the next one definitely won't take me as long to get up. Thank you all a ton for reading!_**

**_When I'm Gone copyright 3 Doors Down._**

_There's another world inside of me that you may never see…_

1:55 am. That's what the small, digital wristwatch sitting next to me on my night stand said. Five minutes until three hours from when I need to be awake. And yet, here I am, laying in my bed, not an iota of sleepiness in my being. I blinked my eyes and watched the five turn into a six with a small, almost inaudible beep.

I looked up at the ceiling, my fan spinning madly above my room, cooling it down while at the same time providing it with the only noise, save for the traffic outside of my apartment. Or, my parent's apartment. I shouldn't be here right now. Koushirou Izumi should be away at a grand University somewhere, maybe in America, studying nuclear physics…quantum mechanics.

But, alas, here I am, every dream I've ever had up until high school graduation squashed under my very feet. I can't sit here and fester in my own pity, though. I made this choice for myself. The second hardest thing I'd ever done with my life. However, and I'm certain many people who are close to me would disagree, it could possibly be the wisest thing I've ever done.

_There's secrets in this life that I can't hide…_

My friends all call me Izzy, which is a name I've definitely grown accustomed to, although I hated it at first. _'Koushirou'_, I would say, _'My given name is Koushirou, and I would like to be called that.' _But as I grew older with the same group of friends, the name sort of stuck, and now I wouldn't have them say my name any other way.

I sighed, thinking about the name and its origin. My very good friend from elementary school, Taichi Yagami, had thought it up right before we entered middle school. He was a bit of a dolt, always causing mischief while at the same time getting everybody and their brother to love him. I remember being very jealous of him when we entered high school.

He was a star soccer player, pretty much the guy everyone at school knew. Many people knew me, too, but for other reasons. I was something of a know-it-all, and have been for as long as I can remember. In many cases, I would put my studies before my personal relationships, and eventually that mantra would take its toll on my social skills. Particularly when they mattered the most: high school.

For every bit of intellect I had, Tai had charisma. For every "A+" grade I made, Tai made a new friend for life. In theory, I should have been so happy for him, but I wasn't. I wanted what he had…friends, looks, happiness. And don't get me wrong, I was often happy, but not for reasons any normal high school student would be. To make me feel worse, for every pang of jealousy I felt for Tai's accomplishments, he tried that much harder to make sure I was still his friend.

_Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find…_

I sat up in my bed, feeling slightly sick at my stomach. Tai was dead now, and that was something I had come to terms with a couple of weeks after it had happened. As I do with everything, I used logic and scientific reasoning to ease and coax my emotional pain. Heaven forbid I feel emotions like a normal human for once in my life. Death, I had told myself, was just a natural occurrence and an unavoidable part of life. But I was wrong. This was very avoidable.

I looked down at the foot of my bed, two perfectly-shined boots sitting there, waiting for 5 am to come so they could finally be utilized. The sight of them made me even more nauseous. Tai's death had a more profound impact on me than I ever thought somebody's death would, and the lingering effects caused me to do something I would never in a million years thought I would do: abandon school and enlist in the military.

Why? A plethora of reasons could answer that damning question, but the one I always manage to tell the people who incredulously ask me is "because it's what I need to do". Everyone has been telling me I'm wasting my brain, or that I'm going to get deployed and killed. But would it be so bad if that happened? Tai, probably the best person I have ever met in my life, is dead. If it could happen to such a good human being, it could happen to me. And, aside from that, I've begun to adapt an attitude to what my peers think of me, and excuse my French, but fuck them.

I know what I want. I know what I need. And quite frankly, I want and need to get away from this city, away from these memories, and away from all of this hurt and pain. There are others that are far more affected by his death than I am, and for good reason, but I would highly doubt if anyone feels as guilty as I do. I was…such an asshole to him on one of the last occasions we spoke before the incident.

_Maybe it's too far away…_

Tomorrow morning at five was when I would leave my family's home and depart for my enlistment. I would attend boot camp for three months, come home for a very short time, and then get stationed somewhere, very likely out of the country. My family has probably been the most understanding out of everyone. I thought they'd be disappointed in my decision not to attend college, but surprisingly they've been nothing but supportive. On the outside, at least. No one can truly know what others are thinking. You can only completely trust yourself, and that's the truth. If only we could read minds.

I looked over in the corner of my room, the small amount of belongings I was allowed to pack sitting in a tiny duffle bag next to what I would once consider my only solace from the real world: my laptop. I would miss that device, that portal into a world of infinite intelligence and learning. Infinite knowledge, which is something that I have always tried to achieve but knew to be an impossible goal.

That particular laptop was a gift from Taichi for our high school graduation. Seeing as how I did not attend his party and he was not invited to mine, he was damned determined to get me this gift. He went to our apartment and left it for my mother and father to give to me when I got home. I had never felt more terrible in my entire life, but I was so bitter and envious that I didn't even manage to say thank you. If only I had known that a few months later that he would be gone…things would be different. So many things would be different. How I wish so many things could be different.

_Or maybe I'm just blind…_

And I'd like to say that it was simply my jealousy of his achievements that caused me to be so bitter to my greatest friend, but it wasn't. Like many issues with drama in the terrible realm of high school, this one revolved around a female, namely Mimi Tachikawa. I would just blush at the mention of her name back in high school.

Somebody like me should never be attracted to somebody like her, or that is what the others would tell me. She was everything a girl in high school aspired to be: beautiful, popular, and the object of almost every male's affection. I had been crushing on her since the first day in high school, when we were paired as partners in our foreign language course. I'm sure the only reason she engaged me in conversation initially was because of my intelligence. I was a means to an end to her, to help her pass the class.

But at the time, that was okay. As long as someone as beautiful as her was speaking to me, I was fine. The thing with her that really hooked me in was how smart she actually was. She dumbed herself down to go with her insufferable cliché, which was irritating, but when she had her guard down, I would notice.

_Maybe I'm just blind…_

One time, in the middle of our sophomore year, I had worked up enough courage to ask her out to the dance that our high school threw annually. She turned me down. And despite my utter disappointment and feelings of inadequacy following that, I couldn't help but find a silver lining in the face that she had turned me down so softly. It was no mystery to anyone that Mimi could be, well, a bitch. Usually when people she deemed unworthy asked her, she would tell them to screw off. But she told me gently that she was already going with someone else, and that was that.

So I forgot about her for a while. Or tried to. It was only when I realized who she had taken an interest in that I got involved with her again. And when I say interest, I mean all-out infatuation. She had even ditched some of her social get-togethers to attend his soccer games. Why wouldn't she be in love? Taichi was the best person in high school, and even bitchy, shallow girls could see that.

It enraged me. Why did Tai get _everything? _The looks, the talent, the popularity, the girls? I hated him. For a very long time, I didn't speak to him. I didn't even look him in the eye when he passed by me in the hallways. And what pissed me off the most was that he didn't even _want _her in that way. The apple of my eye was practically throwing herself at him, and he didn't even kiss her. How could he be so stupid? Why would he pass that up? He could have her, and he didn't take her. And that fact made me love him just as much as I thought I hated him.

_So hold me when I'm here…_

Eventually he caught on that something was up and he tried to talk to me about it. I remember one day he caught up to me after school. He had just gotten out of soccer practice and I was finishing up a tutorial session with some underclassmen.

"Hey, Izzy, got a sec?" he asked, jogging up to me in the hallway. It was only the two of us.

"Koushirou," I corrected, a little more venomously than I probably should have, "and I don't actually, I'm kind of busy."

He looked visibly injured by it, but he kept his traditional smile and persisted. "It's okay, I'll walk with you until we get out of the school. I need to talk to you."

Even then, I was positive that he wasn't taking no for an answer, so I just kept walking.

"What's going on?" he asked, as if it was the easiest question in the world.

"With…?"

"You? You've been ignoring me for weeks now, you won't even look me in the eye, and you _never _care when I call you Izzy. It doesn't take a genius to figure out something's the matter." He looked at me with his brown eyes, curious and a little injured.

"It's nothing, Tai…just stupid high school stuff."

"Well, if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know I'm always here, right? I've known you longer than anyone else, bud, so you're my go-to guy. We need to hang out sometime," he said before jogging ahead to the door.

"Yeah…" I started, dejectedly.

"And Izzy," he said, halfway out the door, "don't worry about Mimi. You'll find somebody who deserves a great person like you someday. It's only high school."

_Right me when I'm wrong…_

I was so shocked and relieved when he said for some reason. How did he know? And why did that idiot make it impossible to stay mad at him? Whatever the case, my envy subsided and we resumed our friendship for almost the remainder of our high school career.

A tear escaped my eye as the memories coursed through me. I never liked crying, and I'm sure I could count on one hand how many times I've done it since my childhood. Most of those times since July, I'm almost positive. Every time I'm reminded of Taichi, I'm reminded of how terrible of a friend I had become to him, and how I would give anything in the world to have that time with him back. To make it up to him.

_Hold me when I'm scared…_

I looked at the watch again. 2:30. Time flies when you get lost in thought. It would be apparent that I wasn't getting any sleep tonight, but that was something I would need to get used to if I was going to adapt to the military lifestyle.

I made the decision to enlist about two weeks after the funeral. Tai had often talked about going into the military if he didn't receive a full ride scholarship, which he did. He went away for his first year in college, and since I was still in high school, we didn't talk very much during that time span. He always talked about enlisting, though. He said college was never his thing, he wasn't smart enough. He wanted to help people the best way he could, so he would join the military to do that.

That's just the way Tai was, though. Always thinking about how he could make other people happy, and not really worrying much about himself. Like a real-life, modern-day super hero. It sometimes caused me to rack my brain, wondering how somebody could give so much and expect so little in return. But something was eating him…and nobody noticed. And that was a fatal mistake. I'll never forgive myself.

_And love me when I'm gone…_

I ran into her at the funeral, too. Mimi. She was sobbing her eyes out uncontrollably along with Tai's girlfriend, Sora. It was the first time since I found out about her crush on Tai that I had seen her and looked at her without a sense of want or need. It was almost like a realization. I felt sorry for her, but even sorrier for myself. How could I not have realized it before?

My jealousy, that is. It took me standing there, staring at Tai's casket with Mimi crying in front of it to realize why I acted the way I did during high school. Why I ignored him afterwards, and why I was so jealous of Mimi. It seemed that as much as I was infatuated with her- and believe me, I was- I wanted Tai to notice me even more.

I felt goosebumps now, just thinking about the revelation and how much it shook me, and how much it made me realize that I need to change my life…change my attitude. For him. For Tai, because he gave me so much, and I reciprocated nothing compared to that. It hurt to say it. It hurt to admit it. But I finally worked up the courage to admit it to myself.

_Everything I am, and everything in me…_

I was distracted from my thoughts when a noise occurred, coming from my laptop. It was my IM notification. Strange. Who would be trying to contact me this early in the morning? Anybody who I was close enough friends with to be IM'ing me should know what tomorrow is.

I walked over to the device, looking at the screen. My mouth hung open in surprise. Sitting on the front page of my social network was an IM from Mimi. I couldn't believe it…why would she choose now to talk to me? I read the message.

Mimi: Izzy? Please tell me you're up…I need to talk to you.

Izzy? She hadn't referred to me by my nickname since we were juniors in high school. I quickly typed a reply. "I'm up, but it's a miracle. Quite the big day ahead of me. What's up?" Hope that didn't sound too, uh, nerdy.

A few moments later, she responded. "I heard what you're doing just a few minutes ago from Joe…is it true? You're enlisting in the military?"

"Yes," I typed back. "In about two hours."

Her response was almost immediate. "No, please, no. Izzy, that's crazy."

I sat back in my chair. What should I say? There was absolutely no getting out of it now…and this was my way of punishing myself for letting Tai down. Letting the best person I had ever known down.

_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be…_

"It's too late to turn back now…and it's something that I feel like I need to do."

She didn't respond for a few moments, and I could feel myself sweating. "Izzy, I'm sorry it took me so long to talk to you…but I really need someone to talk to. I know you're the last person I need to tell this to, but these last few months have been absolutely devastating. I need someone. I need you."

I couldn't believe what I was reading. Isn't fate fucking cruel? I literally stuck my middle finger to my window, the world beyond it staring in the face of my nonverbal curse. That's how I felt about the world. And maybe that's how Tai felt about the world too, although I wouldn't have believed that in a million years. I said the only thing I could to end this conversation before I got even more upset.

"I'm doing it for Tai."

_I never let you down, and even if I could…_

"Oh."

I looked down at my desk, my head in my hands. Fuck this situation. I normally don't condone cursing, but my life was literally turned upside down. Because of karma. Because I have this coming to me. Because I took the one person that's ever been kind to me, no matter what, and basically spit in his face.

"Then I wish you the best of luck, Izzy. Please be careful. And please look me up when you come back. I know you might not think so, but I care for you. A lot."

Then she signed off.

_I'd give up everything, if only for your good…_

I slammed a fist down on my desk. I was crying now, and felt very weak in doing so. Crying because of Mimi. She cared for me? Crying because of Tai, who never once turned his back on me, despite his popularity. He always had time for me, and always made an effort to check up on me. Maybe the military _is _what I need. To purge myself of these damned emotions.

_So hold me when I'm here…_

I got up, wobbled over to my bed, and plopped down on it, feeling very emotionally drained. When I came back after boot camp, I would most definitely look Mimi up. We had a lot to discuss. I just kept going back to that day at the funeral…the day that everything sunk in and began to make sense to me.

_Right me when I'm wrong..._

Everything I had done in high school, every jealous act, every time spent reading a book rather than returning his texts to hang out, and every bit of eye contact I specifically avoided because I knew when I would pass him in the halls, had been for a reason. And it was very confusing, and very unclear to me at the time. But it's so obvious now. And if anyone had taken the time to get to know me better, it would have been obvious to them, too.

_You can hold me when I'm scared…_

I smiled slightly, thinking about him a little more. How stupid was I? How long was I going to spend regretting it? The rest of my life? I would deserve it.

_I won't always be there…_

But I had to. I had to admit it. To say it out loud. That I was no better than everyone else who had followed him, yearned to hear his laughter, and wanted to tell jokes with him. I had to. And I felt sheepish, insecure, and incredibly stupid when I did. But it was the most liberating feeling that I have possibly ever felt in my life.

"I love you, Taichi Yagami. And I always will."

_So love me when I'm gone..._


	4. Unwell

**I'm a terrible liar! But this chapter is out, and is a little longer than the others and I hope you all love it! This one is sad too...but there are elements of happiness in it as well! This story isn't all gonna be sadness and angst so hopefully you guys bare with me and watch as the story progresses into (hopefully) something beautiful by the end! Review if you like (or hate) it!**

**Unwell belongs to Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas.**

* * *

_All day, staring at the ceiling…_

"Is that all for you today, young man?"

The elderly store clerk looked at me expectantly as I gave him a polite smile and nodded. "Yes, sir, that would be it."

He looked down at my purchase with a puzzled glance. "A soccer ball? But it's already mid-October, the season's almost over. Isn't it a little late to be buying one?"

I sighed. It was a curious old man, but I didn't realize that there were specific seasons to be purchasing soccer balls. It seemed to me that fate, rather than this old clerk, was asking me these difficult questions as of late. "I know, sir, but just because the season's over doesn't mean that I can't play soccer in my free time."

He nodded and took my money, accepting my answer. I will never understand old people. "Thank you, sir." I said, smiling, before making my way out of the small convenience store. It was located downtown in a much mellower neighborhood than where I lived, which I was definitely thankful for.

_Making friends with shadows on my wall…_

Of course I didn't purchase the ball to play with; I had a thousand of them back home, even though I wasn't a soccer player. This ball was special…it had a purpose. It was all I could think of for this occasion, and I'm sure he would appreciate this more than, well, anything else I could give him. But a simple soccer ball could never reciprocate everything that he gave to me. I wish there was another way.

My chest began to feel heavy as my thoughts began to drift in that dark direction. I had to pause and take a look at the peaceful area surrounding me to get my thoughts back into gear. The leaves had began to change into their autumn colors and everything was looking beautiful. Fall was always a great season, and to me held special memories. My birthday was in the fall, the temperature is almost always perfect, and everything is just aesthetically pleasing. But this was the first fall that didn't make me smile as soon as I laid eyes on those red and orange leaves.

I looked down the street I was currently walking along; children were playing with their parents nearby and few cars passed alongside me as I walked, the soccer ball the only possession I have on me. I smiled at the children as I passed them, and they continued with their day, as if not bothered at all by the world. I still wish I had the blissful unawareness of youth, where everything is always happy.

I stopped at a corner and crossed the street to get to a park. I was now only a few blocks from my destination, and my stomach tightened. I was getting nervous and upset at the same time, and I couldn't even tell you why. A young girl, probably only a couple of years younger than myself, passed by me on her bike. I gave her a smile and she returned it, and then she was out of my vision.

_All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep…_

Smiling. That was one thing that people could always associate with me. I could just hear my classmates in my head, all of them. 'That guy? He's Takeru Takaishi, the most friendly guy you'll ever meet. He's so nice, he's practically perfect, he has the best smile in our entire class!' I was thankful for the kind words everyone always gave me, but they made me sick at the same time. I'm not perfect…I'm far from it. And if everyone knew the truth about Takeru Takaishi, they would never say those things again.

Especially about my smile. Smiles are the world's greatest lie, and you should never think to trust anybody who's always smiling. To me, it's a cheap way out…a way to allow somebody to get what they want out of you and blow them off, and still have them walk away happy, having no idea that you just lied to them. Not that I lie to people with my words. I would more-likely say that I lie to people with my emotions.

Everyone likes to think that I'm perfect because I treat everybody nicely. But there's a stark difference in smiling and nodding and giving somebody polite responses, as opposed to actually listening to what they have to say and giving them appropriate and heartfelt advice because you genuinely care about them. The 'nice' that I am is the former, and very few people in this world can give people the latter attention.

There are only two people I have ever met in my life that have given almost each and every person that they cared about the kind of attention and friendly affection that that person is seeking. Hikari Yagami is one, the girl who I am proud to call my best friend. And the other is a person who has made a profound impact on my life: her older brother, Taichi. Their parents deserve some sort of Nobel Prize for raising children the best possible way, or something.

I turned the corner around the park and kept going down the adjacent street. I was very close now, and my thoughts just kept drifting back to the past. The reason maybe I'm so bitter to myself about being fake is that what I'm hiding from the world had been eating alive, slowly, from the inside out.

_Because tomorrow might be good for something…_

I had played basketball all throughout middle school, and by the time high school rolled around, I thought that I was decent enough at the sport to attempt to try out for the team. I made it, junior varsity my freshman year, and god damn was I proud of myself. I went home to tell my mom, and though she was normally very busy with work, she even made time to take me out to a fancy dinner to celebrate. I would have called it one of the happiest moments of my life.

However, with basketball came a whole other dimension to my life that had up until that point been latent inside of me. I had gotten pretty close to one of my teammates, even considering him a best friend, and we began spending a lot of our time together. I would even see him more than Hikari some weeks, which was definitely unusual. I was so confused why I'd rather spend time with this kid than my best friend, and I would continuously rack my brain trying to figure out the reasoning behind this.

Then one day, probably close to January of my freshman year, I came to practice after a weekend away on a family vacation to find out that my friend had moved away. He left the town and county, and pretty much got the fuck out of here without any trace. No goodbye, no nothing. I was confused, but more than anything, I was hurt. Like, a hurt feeling I had never felt before. It was as if someone had taken an extremely blunt object and smashed me across the chest with it.

I asked one of my other teammates why he left so suddenly, and the guy told me that everyone found out that he was gay and started tormenting him for it. He was so upset that his family immediately withdrew him from the school and took him across the country. I was astonished…that all had happened so quickly. But as surprised and hurt as I was, the main feeling I had inside of myself now was disgust.

Not disgust with him, not at all. I was mortified for him, and felt so incredibly sorry that he had to go through all of that. But I was disgusted with everyone who tormented him, and more than that, disgusted with myself. It took him moving away and everyone saying those horrible things to make me realize why I enjoyed spending time with him so much: I was gay.

_Hold on…_

Everything made entirely too much sense at that point. I had never had more than friendly feelings for any girl, Hikari included, and I always formed great bonds with my male friends and sought their company. But for some reason, quite possibly the taboos associated with it, I never identified myself as gay until someone else got called out for it. And seeing their response to it…I couldn't be gay.

That was my mentality then. I hated myself, and I wanted to be normal. I tried everything I could, and even started dating a girl for the better half of my freshman year and on through most of my time as a sophomore. Keeping that deep, dark secret from all of my peers was my priority, because there's no way I could deal with things if somehow it got out. So I would have to be careful. What if Hikari found out? What if my mom, or my brother, or my dad found out? What if the whole school knew? Everyone would hate me, and shun me, and insult me until I felt like I was fucking worm in the dirt, destined to live my life underneath the feet of everyone 'better' than me.

I was so fucking ridiculous in that mindset back then, but it became a serious problem. That's how my personality developed…the one that everyone in school except a select few know me as. 'Perfect Takeru' or 'Takeru, that basketball stud with the beautiful smile'. For some reason I thought if I was nice to everyone, told them all what they always wanted to hear, and had a pretty girlfriend on my arm, then eventually the gay part of me would go away and I would be normal, like everyone else. It was ludicrous.

Even Hikari knew that I had changed since all of that happened, and she repeatedly asked me what was wrong. I told her, of course, that nothing was wrong, but then she said something that wore heavy on my mind for a time after that. She smiled at me one day, leaning in close, and whispered, "Takeru, I know you better than anyone, maybe even yourself. Something's been really bothering you deep down, and if you don't talk to somebody about it soon, it's going really start to cause you some internal stress and eat you up from the inside."

_Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown…_

She couldn't have been more right. By the time my junior year hit, my hormones were going nuts. By that point, I was one of the better players on the varsity basketball team. As much as I tried to convince myself that the gay part of me would go away on its own if I neglected it enough, I was crushing on guys left and right, and no girl could hold my attention anymore.

It was driving me insane, not being able to express myself and hating myself for how I was, despite not being able to control any of it. That's what I didn't get. Why were people so mean and hateful to homosexuals, when they have no chance of helping it? We were born this way…there's no way I would ever choose to be a taboo subject who gets mocked and outcast because of something. It was fucking ridiculous. Hikari was right…I needed to tell somebody. But I valued my relationship with her too much to talk to her about it, in case she reacted poorly.

I needed someone, but I had no idea who. After school one day in October of my junior year (roughly a year ago) I went to my dad's house, which was on the other side of town from the place that I lived in with my mom. My older brother (by two years) Yamato was at home on fall break from college, so I wanted to see him. His best friend for more than ten years (and Hikari's brother) Taichi was there as well, and the three of us were going to go to this small park to chill out and kick a soccer ball around.

It was a beautiful autumn afternoon, and although neither Yamato nor myself were super fond of the sport, we had a fun time getting our asses handed to us by Tai. Afterwards, Yamato got caught up in a conversation by some girl he knew from high school, so Taichi and I thought we'd be polite and let him flirt while we chilled out on a bench in the park.

"How's everything been with you, Takeru?" he asked me.

"It's been great. Basketball season just got underway, and I'm playing varsity again. Homework is kind of tedious, though, but I get through it. How's college?"

He smiled. "It's sure something else. I don't want to ruin any surprises for you, though." He paused for a minute before continuing. "Hikari told me something's been bothering you for a while, Takeru. Is that true?"

_And I don't know why…_

I was so taken aback by his sudden question that I couldn't even put on my trademark smile and lie right to his face about it. Something about how caring the tone in his voice was when he asked me, as if he were genuinely concerned for whatever was bugging me. I could then understand why he was so popular in school all the time…why everyone wanted to be his best friend.

"Nah," I lied. "Nothing to worry you or Hikari about."

"But if it's bothering you, then it does worry me and Hikari. We care about you, too, Takeru, and if something's eating you up, you should be able to talk about it. It'll make you feel a lot better not having something bottled up on the inside like that, believe me, buddy," he pressed. He wasn't being nosey…just genuine. And I was so impressed with how sure this guy seemed to be that I began caving even before I realized what had happened.

"It's just…something that nobody else would understand. So that's why I haven't tried to waste anyone's time with it," I replied sheepishly, looking off to the side.

"You sound ridiculous, Takeru," he said, giving me that trademark smile that won him so many friends. So unlike my smile. It had so many genuine emotions in it, whereas mine was just a disguise to keep people away from the truth. "I will understand. Or I will try to. I'm not going to judge you, because I care about you. I've watched you grow up, dude. You're just as much my little brother as you are Yama's."

And that was true…Taichi had been there for everything for as long as I could remember at that point, so why would he let me down. I don't know why I did it…why I let him in on the truth that I was hiding from myself, but I did. I broke down my walls and told him everything…that I was gay and disgusted with myself and would trade anything in the world to be normal.

"Takeru," he started, after a long pause. I was literally shaking because it was so traumatizing for me to have done that. I had never told anybody else that before, and this was the test. "I'm proud of you."

I was so taken aback by that. He was proud? "You're…not disgusted…or you don't hate me?"

"There you go being ridiculous again. Of course not. I love you for who you are, bud. Not who you like. It's fine by me, and as long as you're happy, then I'm happy for you. And anybody who can't be happy for you, then fuck them, you don't need them in your life. You should only have room for people who love you and care for you for who you are; everyone else is just shallow." He stopped and looked over to Yamato. "I won't tell anybody, Takeru, but I do think you should start telling people close to you, when you're ready. They'll understand. You're still the same person as you were before, except now you're true to yourself. And if anybody gives you any problems because of it, let me know and they'll have to deal with me."

All I could do at that point was give Tai the biggest, most meaningful hug that I had ever given anyone in my entire life. "Tai…thank you so much," I said, my ears watering with the beginnings of tears. "You have no idea how much everything you just said means to me. Such a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest, and you've just given me so much courage. Thank you, Tai. Thank you so much."

_I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell…_

Grasping the soccer ball in my hand, I noticed the bench we sat at on that very day, nearly a year ago. My heart began beating so much faster; I was very close now. I walked over to the bench and sat down on it, the stinging of tears beginning to enter my eyes. Life could be so shitty sometimes…and bad things happened to good people. But maybe good people were only supposed to be on Earth for so long…to help out those more troubled than them. And then, when they accomplished their tasks, their jobs were done.

I stood up from the bench almost as quickly as I had sat down. The most important conversation of my life had occurred there…the conversation that changed me for the better. Tai could have possibly saved my life that night…but where was I the night that his life needed to be saved? Where were any of us? Why couldn't we all help the guy who had given so much of himself to help us?

I passed the park and went down another block. I stopped at this tall gate, with two peaceful-looking statues perched on top of either side of it. Beyond the gate was a sea of gravestones, and here I was, a soccer ball in hand, ready to visit the grave of the guy who made me realize that my life had meaning. Who saved me from living a lie.

I found the site of the grave and walked up to it. Bending down, I put my hand on the gravestone, touching it gently as if it were human and could feel the emotions in my touch. "Yagami Taichi" was stylized on the cement, and his life span etched right underneath it. "Talking With Angels" was etched very small beneath his life. It was touching, and true. If Tai were among angels now, he would no doubt be talking to them and trying to figure out how to solve their problems.

_I know, right now you can't tell…_

In the time after Tai and I had our conversation, things went pretty different for me. I told Hikari about two weeks later, and she was extremely supportive as well. I don't know how I ever thought things could be any other way with her…she was just too sweet.

Around Christmas time I worked up enough courage to tell Yama. His reaction was pretty refreshing as well…he told me he didn't care, but if anybody hurt me, he would be there to kick someone's ass. It made me laugh, and it seemed as though nothing was going to change between the two of us. For that, I appreciated Yama so much.

I never got around to telling everyone else at school other than a few close friends I had on the basketball team. They were pretty cool about it too and even asked if that's why me and my friend who moved had spent so much time together. I found it awkwardly endearing that they cared enough about my sexuality that they were asking questions about it.

Summer time rolled around and I was very close to coming out to my parents. However, a lot of shit happened in June…a lot of serious shit that didn't involve me. And then in July, things just got absolutely horrible when news of Tai's death reached everyone. When Hikari called me, bawling her eyes out, I had to do the same. I was heaving…it was as if someone were strangling me with my own breath. Tai…who was practically my big brother and there for me anytime I ever had a problem…was dead. That hit, and it hit hard.

_But stay a while, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me…_

I was beginning to cry now, just thinking about it. It wasn't fair…Tai, you couldn't leave everyone like this, but you did. You left me, and Hikari, and Yamato, and Sora, and your soccer team and your parents and your friends…you left us all behind.

And that thought caused me to immediately revert back to the way I was before…being extremely conserved in school and smiling all of the time to get people off of my back. It was my coping mechanism. How could I tell people I was gay without Taichi there to give me his full support? How could I handle my parents without him there to catch me if I fall again? I needed him now, more than I needed anything else…but he wasn't here anymore.

But now that I'm sitting here with a soccer ball in front of his grave, crying and complaining how unfair it is that he left me behind, I can actually hear what he'd tell me in this situation. 'Don't be ridiculous, Takeru,' he'd say. 'I'm still with you, and I still support you, and do you know how badly it reflects on me that you're going back to bottling everything up inside? Grow a pair and move on, buddy. You have a lot to live for, so move on with your life and live for it. Help people the way I did…'

Sitting here, a soccer ball placed on his grave where there were still so many flowers, hearing imaginary conversations in my head, I've made that decision. To help others, just like Taichi did. And like he told me last fall, in this very park, if someone has a problem with me for the way I am, then fuck them. I don't need them. Thank you, Taichi.

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired…_

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know someone was there."

I turned abruptly, wiping my face off, very startled at the appearance of someone else. "No…it's fine." It took me a minute to realize just exactly who it was. "Wait, Daisuke?"

I knew Daisuke because he was friends with Hikari, but other than that and the fact that he was a pretty legit soccer player, I didn't know much about him. He cocked his eyebrow, looking at me. "Takeru? What the hell are you doing here?"

I raised my eyebrows at his bluntness. "Paying my respects to a good friend." What the hell was this guy's problem? I made certain not to give him that smile that everyone seemed to love, because for once, I didn't want everyone to think that everything was okay. It was definitely not okay.

"Just because you're banging his sister doesn't make him a good friend," he replied, with a tone that held almost no emotion. I was extremely shocked at what just came out of his mouth and before I knew it, I had just struck Daisuke across the face. My fist enclosed, I began to breathe heavy. He was on the ground, looking up at me with a look of shock and some morbid sense of interest.

"I…I'm sorry," I said quickly, turning. "I need to go…today's just been upsetting…these last three months have been fucking upsetting." My mind was racing so fast…I just fucking punched somebody right in front of Tai's gravestone. Some twisted part of my brain led me to think that maybe that was Tai punching Daisuke for the remark and just using me as an avatar. But just as I was about to leave, I thought better of it.

I turned around and looked back at Daisuke, who hadn't bothered to attempt to get up. I was here paying my respects. He wasn't going to chase me off by being some obnoxious dick head. "I don't know who Taichi was to you, Daisuke, and I'm not going to attempt to make any guesses at it. Tai…was like my big brother. Not just because of Hikari, but because he's been best friends with my own big brother for as long as I can remember…Yamato Ishida."

Daisuke looked a bit surprised by that, but he didn't say anything.

"I cared for him a lot, he helped me get through so many rough patches in my life, that there's no way I would be here in tact right now if it weren't for him. And I want to take this moment to apologise to him for hitting you in front of his grave."

Daisuke chuckled. "I have to hand it to you, Takaishi. Didn't think you had it in you. I'm sorry for what I said, I haven't been myself lately. Like you muttered…the past three months have been fucking upsetting for me too. Tai…I guess you could say he meant a lot to me also."

I walked over to him and extended my hand. He reluctantly took it and allowed me to help him up.

_I know right now you don't care…_

"A soccer ball?" he asked. "Not exactly the best grave decoration."

"He's got enough flowers, and I figured it might liven the place up a little. Soccer was his life, after all," I replied, suddenly thinking too much about grief again.

"Thoughtful," he contributed in a neutral tone.

We sat there for some time, with nothing but the autumn wind, the rustle of trees, and a soccer ball in between us. Both silently appreciating this wonderful guy who had meant so much to our lives.

"Daisuke," I said, quietly, after some time.

"Yeah?" he asked, as if he were dazed, not really paying attention.

I took a gulp. I had no idea why I was about to do this, but I did know that Taichi gave me courage. It was time to let my guard down.

"I'm not with Hikari. Never have been, and never want to be, so if that was ever a factor in holding you back, you don't have to worry about it," I said, not looking over to him, not taking my eyes off of the soccer ball.

"You don't have to lie to me, Takeru, but I appreciate the patronizing." He sounded distant. This ought to be good.

"Nah, I'm not lying. The funny thing is, I can't like Hikari as more than just a friend. I'm actually," I started, my heart beating again. Why was I so afraid of this? This was a kid a barely knew…so it should be easy. "The truth is, I'm gay."

Daisuke slowly turned his head toward me, giving me a look of strange fascination. It made me slightly uncomfortable. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because," I started, looking down at the soccer ball. "Tai is the one who gave me the courage to admit it to myself, and to stop lying to myself…and I want to show him that, by telling everyone else and showing him I'm not afraid anymore, that I can make him proud. Because there's no way I can repay him for everything he's done for me. This is how I can attempt to that for him. Live the way he wanted me to live."

It was the truth…and it felt great and liberating to say it.

Daisuke stood up and walked over to me, and pulled me up to meet his level. I was kind of confused. "Takeru, I kind of always thought you were some pretentious, perfect ass-hole pretty boy." Ouch. "But now I can see you're just as altered and fucked up as all of the rest of us. What you said rang true, dude. Tai was my hero…and all I've been able to do since he died is mope around and feel sorry for myself…and sorry for him. But he gave me a lot, and I want to give it back…so thanks for that wake-up punch. I guess you could say you knocked some sense into me."

He then did something completely unexpected and wrapped me in an embrace. It wasn't too tight, but he was warm, and he needed comforting. I could hear irregular patterns in his breathing, and I think he needed this hug just as much as I did. I slowly raise my arms and wrapped them around his back. He rested his forehead on one of my shoulders and we just stayed like that for a while…locked in each other's embrace for what seemed like an eternity.

He finally broke it off and walked over to the grave. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a pair of goggles, and sat them in front of the tombstone, directly behind the soccer ball. He stared at the grave for a few moments before turning back to me. "If you hit me again, though, I might have to hit you back."

He gave me a smile, reached into his pocket, and scribbled something down a piece of paper. He stuffed it into my hand, gave me a nod, and then left the way he came.

I looked down into the small paper now clutched into my hand. Written in very sloppy handwriting said, "Daisuke Motomiya, If you ever need to talk about anything." Below it was an equally-illegible phone number. I couldn't help but smile. Taichi, you're truly fucking amazing. Helping people out from beyond the grave.

I will make you proud, buddy. I promise. Thank you for being there when I needed you the most.

_But soon enough, you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be…_


End file.
